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It’s been six years since my mom passed away

Six years ago, when I was 25 years old, I received a call from my parent’s neighbor informing me that my mother was found deceased in my childhood home. I was with my mom the night before and there were no signs of her being ill, let alone having catastrophic heart problems. She was only 61 years old. My best friend, the woman who raised me, was gone. 

Grief is personal. If you’re wondering why I’m sharing such difficult memories, it’s because writing has always been how I process my emotions. I journal several days a week to get the words out. The more I write, the easier the words flow. Over the past six years I’ve discovered that sharing my experience can help others process their emotions as well. In 2018 I wrote a blog post titled, It’s Been Six Months Since My Mom Passed Away and still receive private messages to this day from strangers who come across it. When we’re going through something hard, there’s power in knowing we aren’t alone.

The role that will never be replaced

My mom was so much more than a mom. Her name was Sandy. She was a devout Christian and loved God and her church community. My mom loved children, especially her own three daughters, but there were so many children in my mom’s heart. She devoted much of her life to working with children of all ages.

My mom was brilliant, witty, and kind, but her greatest power was making others feel seen. I usually found her on her recliner, cackling on the phone with her sisters or friends. So many people came to my mom for emotional support or a mood boost. I never once heard her say a bad thing about her sisters or friends, a sense of loyalty I always admired.

For years I mourned the loss of a mom who was so much more than a mom. Now that I’m a mom, I see the beauty in having a hole in my heart that will never be replaced. There’s only ever going to be one Sandy Madura and I was lucky enough to call her my best friend.

My support group

The traumatic loss of my mom required me to lean on others like never before. Sadly, many of my friends at the time said nothing, avoiding the topic of my mom’s death entirely. Whether or not they realized it, many only responded to the news of my mom’s death by “liking” the obituary I posted on Facebook. I take partial responsibility, I didn’t treat the subject with the gentleness it deserved.

If I could go back to 2017, I would handle the news of my mom’s passing for what it was: Personal, heartbreaking and life-altering. I wish I would’ve called my friends and told them my mom died unexpectedly. I needed support, and I wish I said those words out loud. Home was the only place I felt safe crying and I wish someone stopped by to check on me. Most of all, I wanted my friends to step up. I lost my mom and I needed them to put their egos aside and check-in. I wasn’t looking for solutions or wise words, I just didn’t want to be alone.

The last six years have taught me how important friendship and community is. Now, I see how beautiful life can be when I make a conscious effort to be vulnerable in my relationships. The more authentic we are, the deeper our friendships become. I am so lucky to have a handful of women who really know me, whom I also consider my best friends.

Give yourself time to grieve

Death is a natural part of life yet it is such a taboo subject. When my mom died, I was a 25-year-old marketing specialist at a corporate office. Our workplace allotted two days of bereavement to grieve, so three days later I walked into the office and told my colleagues what had happened. 

I’m not going to sugarcoat this, I didn’t take care of myself the way I should have following a life-altering event. As a lifelong people pleaser I was terrified of dropping the ball at work. I cried only in the privacy of my own home and did all I could to compartmentalize my emotions. When my emotions could no longer be contained, I disconnected from my body, running from the pain. 

Our bodies need time to process emotions. Over the past six years I learned the hard way that ignoring emotions causes illness, fatigue, and resentment. Due to years of emotional neglect, my body was trained to ignore the signs of distress, especially if it would affect others around me. I have been working on checking in with myself throughout the day to see what I need. Some days I need rest, some days I need to move my body, other days beg for me to be creative. Whatever it may be, I’m proud to say I’m not ignoring my emotional, physical, or psychological needs any longer.

Dad started dating again

My dad started dating four months after my mom passed away. He told me the news via email. From my dad’s point of view he was sharing good news. Unfortunately, the delivery felt impersonal and whether or not my dad realized it, the timing felt cruel. I had just received my mom’s autopsy report in an email the day before.

My parents were happily married for 36 years. By today’s standards, my mom died young, leaving my dad a widower at 66 years old. Some would say my dad dating again was inevitable, but it came as a complete shock to me. I didn’t know how to express myself and lied, telling him he had my support. He took my support at face value and began to share personal details of his dating experience. I grew numb, nodding along and tuning out his words to avoid the pain. A few months later I moved out of state away from my dad, hoping the physical distance would act as a makeshift boundary. 

Holding back our truth has a price. I can see that I avoided telling my dad I was hurt to keep the peace. I let my fear of conflict, or the possibility of conflict, prevent me from having an authentic relationship with my father. For a while I told myself if our relationship matters, he will see my discomfort and approach the topic of dating with more discernment. It was unfair of me to assume my dad could read my mind.

As a result of me writing this blog post, I reached out to my dad and asked if we could attend therapy together. We have our first session this week.

Bonding over shared trauma 

After we lost our mom, my sisters and I bonded over our heartbreak. I was the youngest by 8 years and felt like my sisters were practically strangers at this point. For years mom had been filling us in on each other’s lives.

I had high expectations of my sisters. I thought we could become best friends overnight without putting in the work. After all, society had led me to believe that sisters are born to be best friends. We unconsciously skipped learning each other’s interests, setting boundaries, and establishing the ways in which we best communicate.

In 2022 we got into a fight. If we had a solid foundation of friendship, the fight could’ve been over in a day. Unfortunately, our fight revealed how little we knew about each other. Old unresolved conflicts were brought to the surface, uncovering a history of unhealthy relationship dynamics. The repercussions of conflict avoidance once again showed up to teach me a valuable lesson.

Bonding over shared trauma is tricky because for a while it can be therapeutic. I wanted to heal alongside my sisters. I’ve learned many valuable lessons following my mom’s passing but this one might’ve been the most heartbreaking. Sometimes family is just family. We can’t all be best friends and we can’t force closeness. Regardless of how things turned out, I hope both of my sisters know I love them. 

Signs and visitation dreams

I will never forget the darkest days of grief. Losing my mom made me question everything, including what I believed about heaven and God. I wasn’t finding my mom in grief despite pleading to God to prove that she was still with me. The message I received was to be brave enough to sit still with my feelings and be curious. So I started meditating, and that’s where I found the most peace.

Today, I feel my mom’s presence without begging God for it. Sometimes I’ll smell her bath oil, or hear her voice in place of mine, or see her in my dreams. When she appears in my dreams she shares advice, holds me in her arms, or just walks with me. One night, in line with her witty sense of humor, she even acted as my taxi driver in Cuba!

I believe my mom communicates with me through signs, too. In the book Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynne Jackson, Jackson recommends asking for specifics when communicating with loved ones who have passed. The more I asked for guidance, the more signs appeared. Soon, I was seeing “angel numbers” like 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, everywhere. Signs and synchronicities feel like my mom saying hello, reminding me I am on the right path. 

2023 Update

I have been in therapy through BetterHelp.com on and off since the fight with my sisters in 2022. I also joined the local gym in 2022. I’ve seen firsthand how taking care of my emotional and physical wellbeing has allowed me to take better care of those around me.

My son, who turns four in February, has a mom who is modeling how rich life can be when we listen to our bodies and feel the entire spectrum of emotions. While my healing journey may never be complete, I truly feel I’m doing my best. I am so proud of the progress I’ve made, internally and externally.

Conclusion

If you are in the thick of grief, remember you are not alone. When you lose someone who means the world to you, you might feel like you’ve lost your world. Give yourself time to heal and remember that healing looks different for everyone. I pray you find people who make space for you as you navigate grief and that you see signs reminding you to keep going. Most of all, I hope you find peace during this difficult time. 

Thanks for reading,

Emma

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It’s a Boy!

The nursery dresser drawers were filled to the brim with girl clothes. I yanked all of the newly washed and folded items out and tossed them in a pile I mentally labeled, ‘a problem for another day.’ Unicorns, rainbows, pink, pink, and more pink. I stared at the now-empty drawers and felt a strange emotion: Grief. 

My newborn hadn’t come home with me. He was in the NICU 60 miles away. His birth was full of surprises. He was born two months early and had surgery the day after he was born. Also, three ultrasound techs had told me he was going to be a she, which in and of itself threw me into parenthood feeling a lot like the upside-down smiling emoji. 

I’m not going to go through my son’s story in this blog post, though his birth story is thrilling. Instead, I’m going to share how my son’s birth taught me valuable life lessons.

To state the obvious, major milestones come with a myriad of expectations, the birth of a child is no exception. Like every soon-to-be-parent, I imagined bringing my healthy term baby home with me a few days after their birth. I pictured welcoming guests to meet my little bundle of joy, sleep-deprived, but still looking fabulous, of course. I thought my experience would look like my sister’s or my peers. 

My reality looked much different. We spent the first month of my son’s life in the NICU, bouncing between living in our apartment, San Francisco hotels, the Ronald McDonald House, and a temporary home we were placed in by our social worker. Finally, on March 8, three weeks before his due date, we were discharged from the NICU. Thanks to my sister and a good friend, we now had seven preemie boy outfits in our dresser drawers at home. 

Similar to other parents with a newborn, the first few weeks home were a blur. Our days were filled with smiles and tears of joy and exhaustion. We stared lovingly at our newborn and took turns sleeping next to the bassinet. Unlike other parents with a newborn, my husband and I woke each other throughout the night with one word: bag. This meant the next 30 minutes would be spent removing and reassembling the ostomy bag on our newborn son’s stomach, while he screamed. Occasionally the bag would break mid-assembly, causing all three of us to scream.

I cried in the waiting room before my two-month postpartum appointment, ironically while answering a postpartum depression questionnaire. “Not suicidal, just sleep-deprived and over this shit,” I wrote. When I say shit, I’m talking about COVID-19, my family and friends not being able to meet my baby, ostomy bag changes, and sobbing through a mask in a waiting room.

I was immediately referred to a counselor after my public display of exhaustion. I told my counselor that I didn’t have postpartum depression. “That’s not my story,” I quipped. “I make it through this difficult time in my life and everyone is shocked by how well I handle it. THAT is my story.”

“Why can’t it be both?” she asked, “Why can’t you have postpartum depression AND shock everyone by how well you handled it?” 

Ugh. Counselors. They ask the questions that stick with you. 

After several virtual appointments (because COVID) I learned that postpartum depression isn’t a diagnosis. It’s more of an explanation of an increase of emotions following the birth of a child. For some, the feelings are too heavy to carry alone and one of the first lessons new parents learn is that there is no shame in asking for help. 

In my case, I wasn’t depressed, I was just truly sleep-deprived, and over this shit. Nevertheless, unpacking my expectations surrounding the birth of my first child was invaluable. My counselor validated my emotions. I was grieving a life I thought I’d be living. The ostomy bag, the empty dresser drawers, and the pile of unused baby girl clothes were symbols. They were symbols of abnormality, unpreparedness, and surprise: all of which I loathed. 

Flash forward six months and two major surgeries later. Looking back, my husband and I had become pros at assembling ostomy bags. My son started smiling through the bag changes like it was a fun game. We had prayed every night for acceptance, strength, and endurance. I feel our prayers were answered. 

My son is perfectly healthy and has no future surgeries planned. He said goodbye to the ostomy bag forever following his second surgery, which took place when he was 4-months-old. He has a 4-inch scar across his stomach that vaguely resembles my c-section scar. We have matching proof of our wild journey. We also have matching cheesy smiles, but his ears, he gets those from his father.

So here’s my story: By the grace of God, my son and I survived a complicated pregnancy. We were blessed to have a medical team that saved his life by transferring him to UCSF for major intestinal surgery. I made it through this difficult time and shocked myself by how well I handled it. This may not be the life I imagined, but my son is the epitome of perfection. And I’m proud to say I am so much stronger than I was 6 months ago. 

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14 Highlights from our Babymoon in Spain and Portugal

Having the ability to travel is such a blessing. Everything fell into place to make this trip a reality, a trip I didn’t believe would actually happen. Too good to be true, I thought. 

Thankfully, as I reach the 20 week mark of my pregnancy, I’m feeling energized and healthy. My doctor gave us the all-clear to travel, our supervisor’s approved our two-week time-off requests, and we had money set aside for a final vacation before our baby arrives March, 2020! 

Below are the 14 neatest things we did during our time in Barcelona, southern Portugal, and Lisbon over our two-week vacation.

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1. Quinta da Regaleira

Country Estate established in 1904 in Sintra, Portugal 

One word: Magical. During our visit, Michael and I agreed that Quinta da Regaleira was the most beautiful place either of us had ever been, and it ended up being our favorite activity of the entire trip. Quinta da Regaleira includes gardens, a castle, a chapel, underground tunnels, waterfalls, and grottos. 

We had no idea what to expect, which is the best way to walk into any attraction. After visiting the picturesque Initiation Well, which looked like something out of a movie, we found ourselves walking down a moss-covered spiral staircase into a maze of underground tunnels that led to a waterfall. Behind the waterfall was stepping stones across a grotto. Seriously, around every corner was another magical surprise. We laughed and smiled the entire time. 

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More photos from our visit to Quinta da Regaleira >> 

2. Fútbol game at Camp Nou in Barcelona 

Camp Nou has been the home fútbol stadium for FC Barcelona since 1957

Barcelona loves their fútbol! This was my first out-of-country sporting event and I’d say it’s a must for anyone traveling to Spain. In the United States, sporting events are as much about the food and drink as they are about the game, which means peanut shells on the ground, drunk people in the stands, and 20-minute lines for hotdogs. But at Camp Nou, the lines at the concession stand remained empty, except for halftime. In fact, no alcohol was served at the stadium at all. Instead, it felt like attendees were strictly attending to go freakin’ nuts for FC Barcelona. Pure, joyous fun.

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3. La Sagrada Familia

Basilica in Barcelona, designed by Antoni Gaudí, projected to be completed in 2026

I imagine La Sagrada Familia will remain the single most incredible architectural masterpiece I will have the privilege of visiting in my lifetime. Every inch of the basilica has been planned for, from the juxtaposition of the façades on the exterior to the color of stained class and where it’ll shine as the sun streams in. 

One of my favorite tidbits from the audio tour: When the basilica is complete in 2026, the tallest spire will be 560 feet, one metre less than the tallest mountain in Barcelona because Gaudí believed that his creation should not surpass God’s. 

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More photos from our visit to La Sagrada Familia >> 

4. Park and Palace of Pena

Castle first built in the middle ages, reaching completion in 1894 in Sintra, Portugal 

I’m a sucker for colorful buildings. Colorful castles? Even better. The Palace of Pena is an Instagram model’s dream, so yeah, this place is full of obnoxious selfie-takers. We were just as guilty. It’s impossible to not take a million photos here. 

Shoutout to my Uncle Jeff for suggesting a day trip from Lisbon to Sintra. Though I doubt he took any selfies during his time in Sintra. We could have definitely spent another full day exploring Sintra, because we didn’t even get to Castelo dos Mouros or Sintra National Palace. Sintra was an easy 40 minute train ride from Lisbon, but I recommend studying the website above before making the trip. The advice about the 434 bus was invaluable.

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More photos from our visit to the Palace of Pena >> 

5. Carmo Archaeological Museum

Remains of a church built in 1389, Lisbon, Portugal

The earthquake of 1755, and the fire that soon followed the earthquake, all but destroyed the church of Carmo in Lisbon. Rather than rebuild, the city decided to leave the ruins as-is, and created Carmo Archaeological Museum, a memorial to the 1755 earthquake.

While the vast collection of artifacts, weapons, and mummies feels a bit random, the underlying theme of, “If it’s broke, don’t fix it, put it in a museum,” is hilariously beautiful. 

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More photos from our visit to the Carmo Archaeological Museum >> 

6. Park Guell

Park system designed by Antoni Gaudí, continually being added to and enhanced 

Michael and I learned a valuable lesson during our last trip to Europe. At some point in your travels, you will hit a wall of exhaustion. When this happens, go somewhere beautiful and just be still. Park Guell in Barcelona was exactly the place to do this. 

Getting to the top of the park is a good workout. So naturally we grabbed churros con chocolate afterwards to cancel out any calories burned. 

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7. Praia dos Estudiantes

Beach in Lagos, Portugal 

Our voyage to Praia Estudiantes started as a mandatory laundry errand because our hotel laundry was overpriced (literally 4 euro per pair of underwear). But the beach did not disappoint. Praia Estudiantes was a never ending series of surprise beaches. Each beach was bookended with caves leading to yet another beautiful beach. And through the final cave, a beautiful archway that brought my Portugal Pinterest board to life. 

If you’re visiting Praia dos Estudiantes, stop at MAR restaurant for lunch afterwards. It seems too good to be true, since it’s located at the top of the beach steps, but the prices were great and the food was even better! 

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More photos from our visit to the Praia dos Estudiantes  >>

8. Fortaleza de Sagres

Southwesternmost point of Europe and a 15th century fortress in Sagres, Portugal

Funny story…I was about to pee my pants because my pregnant bladder couldn’t handle another minute on the road. So we paid 3 euro each for entrance to Fortaleza de Sagres and learned way more than we expected to about the history of Sagres, what was once considered the end of the world – before European’s realized there was more to the world, of course. 

This actually ended up being a really fun activity, because once again, we walked into it with zero expectations other than the hopes of a working toilet. 

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9. Tivoli Carvoeiro Algarve Resort

Resort in Carvoeiro, southern Portugal 

Tivoli Carvoiero was the final push we needed to book our trip to Europe. Their website is sexy. In other words: their marketing absolutely worked on us and convinced us we had to go to southern Portugal. We stayed at this hotel for four nights and really enjoyed our time here. I highly recommend it if you’re looking for ocean-side pool time and a breakfast buffet fit for a queen.  

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10. Praia da Marinha 

A word of caution for anyone trying to find a specific photo-op from Pinterest, you may end up wandering around said location hoping you’ll stumble across the exact vantage point. But hey, it worked for us this time! 

Michael had found a photo of a heart-shaped cutout at Praia da Marinha and wanted to stop by before we left southern Portugal. He knows I’m a sucker for this kind of thing. The second we stepped out of the car I was in love, but not because of the beach. At the start of the trail were three beautiful stray cats, all totally willing to be pet by strangers. Freakin’ heaven. After about 30 minutes of, oh my gosh they’re so cute-ing, we went on a short hike trying to find the elusive heart cutout in the landscape. Nailed it. Rewarding and beautiful. 

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11. Livraria Bertrand

The oldest bookstore in the world, Lisbon, Portugal

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Libraria Bertrand was cool in theory, but it looked just like any other bookstore in the world. Regardless, I was still excited to get a stamp that said my book was purchased at the oldest bookstore in the world! 

12. Igreja hopping

The act of hopping from one Portuguese church to another, a term coined by me

Is church hopping inappropriate? According to travel expert Rick Steves, as long as you’re respectful, it’s all good. We stopped in to visit more igrejas than I can count, each time saying a prayer for baby-no-name in my belly and marveling at the beautiful architectural details. 

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13. Belem Tower

Fortification built in 1515, Lisbon, Portugal

If visited correctly, the Belem Tower and Jerónimos Monastery are said to be stunning attractions in Lisbon. 

In our case, Belem Tower was a total fail and we didn’t even make it to the monastery. We decided against buying tickets and instead opted to take a few photos outside. It started pouring rain and homeboy (in this case, Michael is homeboy) was wearing flip-flops. We got our photo and ran back to the car. We’ll catch it next time. 

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14. Flamenco Show

A flamenco show is a must-see in Spain, according to every travel guide. I had high hopes for the Flamenco show we attended, but was ultimately disappointed. If you’re visiting Spain, aim to find a balance between authenticity and quality in the show you attend. We were hoping for an authentic experience, but what we found were talented flamenco dancers in an awkwardly small bar. We were one of four couples at the show, and felt very aware of our chewing between songs. 

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Overall, our trip was better than I expected it would be. Two-weeks was the perfect amount of time, giving us about four nights in Barcelona, Carvoiero, and Lisbon. Michael and I make traveling a priority because it’s what feeds our souls. We made memories that’ll last a lifetime, and we can’t wait to tell our baby about all of the cool stuff we did while they were in my belly!

Thanks for reading,

Emma

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Stop Holding the Door

When I have work related questions, I turn to my older sister, Alys. Alys is a workplace problem solver and a natural-born leader, she is a living, breathing Pinterest — filled with fashion advice and inspiration.

One of my biggest struggles as a young professional was my lack of confidence. I let my colleagues walk all over me, and my mood was a direct reflection of how my superiors treated me. I didn’t know that saying ‘no’ in the workplace was an option. No one had told me that boundaries look like self love with their work boots on.

I remember calling Alys after a rough day at work, nearly in tears, “Alys, why is it always me that has to run for coffee? Why do I have to clean out the office’s storage room? Why do I have to hold the door open for others after the team meeting?” I asked.

My sister didn’t have an answer for me at first. But a few days later she called,

“Emma, stop holding the door.”

Joe, the limo driver from The Princess Diaries once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (Technically Eleanor Roosevelt said it first, but I always picture Joe, the limo driver saying it, so he gets my credit.) And he’s right, it finally clicked, I was being taken advantage of because I allowed them to do so. Nothing was going to change unless I found the power in myself to speak up or step away.

Now, let me make one thing clear: There are certain things about being a young professional that require some grunt work — organizing the storage closet full of promotional items was one of my grunt jobs. But nowhere in my job description did it say, ‘hold open door for colleagues,’ or, ‘provide water pitcher for meetings.’

Unfortunately, once I had established myself as the one who could be walked all over, my colleagues began to expect it from me. Then, I’d watch for signs that I was being taken advantage of, and feel miserable but say nothing. And so the cycle continued.

So here is my advice to young professionals out there: Respect yourself enough to set boundaries. Do not let those who are superior in rank treat you as if you are inferior as a person. Your job title does not warrant being mistreated.

Stop holding the door.

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Be you

I’ve spent a lot of my days wearing a mask specially designed for the person I’m talking to. Then, in the comfort of my own home I remove the mask, exhausted from being someone else all day long. I’m often frustrated by how agreeable I am, and wish I would voice my opinions confidently.

Imagine a world where you are unapologetically you, every single day. A world where your voice doesn’t change pitches when talking to a stranger, or where you laugh only when something is actually funny. A world where you aren’t carrying any masks.

Maybe the key is to focus on your beliefs, your morals, and the places you find your joy? My beliefs are my soil, my morals are my roots, and my joys are my blossoms.

I believe in God. I believe in prayer. I believe that each person is created in God’s vision, and that I can learn something from everyone I meet. I believe that people are inherently good. My beliefs radiate. You can see them as I lend a hand to strangers, or as I stop and pray for the person in the ambulance whizzing by, and as I tell my mother all about my day, fully trusting that she is listening from heaven.

I believe in equality. I inherited my mother’s advocacy for the vulnerable and my father’s support for the underdog. I strive to listen with intent, genuinely listen to understand and remember what people tell me, especially when they share something personal.

I find joy in shopping for throw pillows. Yep, you heard me. Throw pillows bring me so much freakin’ happiness. I also love cats. Every cat I meet reminds me of my Lola girl, who has been a constant source of love and happiness in my life.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that I am not and will not be loved by everybody, no matter which mask I put on. So why bother with a mask at all? If I’m totally, truly me, won’t it make it easier for the people who do love me to find me? We’ll gravitate toward each other, like a tribe of smiley, optimistic adventurers.

Be you. Be so you that no one can differentiate between who you are at home and who you are in public. It’s a lot less exhausting, and a hell of a lot more beautiful.

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Psalm 100

Growing up, my family concluded every dinner by reading a passage from the Bible, or a page from a devotional. Psalm 100 was a popular choice. We had it bookmarked with a pressed flower petal.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before Him with joyful songs
Know that the Lord is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
and His courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.

By the time I was eight-years-old, I had heard this psalm so many times I had memorized it. This stands out as one of my favorite childhood memories because it was my first personal step towards God. I went to bed reciting the psalm, imagining what entering His gates with thanksgiving looked like. Lots of dinner rolls, I thought.

It’s been 20 years since I committed Psalm 100 to memory. I have since fallen away from the church, and returned again as an adult. (Shoutout to New Vintage!) But over the years, regardless of where I was in my relationship with God, I turned to Psalm 100 when I felt the need to pray but couldn’t find the words.

I am thankful to my parents for building structure into dinner time. Because of them, I feel comforted by routine. And because of them, I turn to the Bible when I miss home.

Studies show that people who take time to journal, read, exercise, or meditate daily are more relaxed and perform better under pressure. It gives them an opportunity to reflect on their emotions, learn from their mistakes, and live in the present.

While I do workout most weekday mornings (yay healthier lifestyle!), I don’t use the time to be introspective. In fact, most evenings Michael and I eat dinner in front of the TV, a habit I’m not proud of. I’m looking for a devotional I can work into my daily routine. Something I can listen to while I’m on the treadmill each morning. Do you have a podcast (religious or not) that you love to listen to regularly?

And, to answer your burning question, Yes, I can still recite Psalm 100 from memory. It’s one of my crazier party tricks.

Happy Easter, everyone!

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The Best Day of Our Lives

When we’re children, our frame of reference is limited to what we have seen or experienced. For example, a child who has never been in the ocean may imagine it’s similar to being in a pool. It’s only once they dip their toes in the sea that they begin to grasp the concept of its immensity.

My mom ran an in-home daycare, so I grew up with over a dozen children, but one of my absolute favorite daycare kids was a boy named Nick. Nick was a few years older than me, and had been one of my mom’s daycare kids since before I was born.

My mom always told me that Nick taught me how to walk. I don’t know if that’s 100 percent accurate, but I would’ve done anything to keep up with Nick, so the math checks out. There are so many things I could say about Nick, but to summarize, he was my dearest friend.

One summer day, my mom dropped Nick and me off at Six Flags Elitch Gardens in Denver. It was my first time going to the amusement park without an adult.

As we were wandering through the crowd, I thought to myself, “Wow, look at us, here we are, having the best day of our lives!”

In my limited world view, I couldn’t picture it getting any better. Here we were, at the amusement park without parents, hoping from ride to ride, having the, dare I say, best day of our lives? There was just no beating this.

My husband often teases me about this, quoting 11-year-old Emma while we stand in line to see a movie. “Wow, Emma, look at us, here we are, having the best day of our lives!” We laugh, but what’s beautiful is that for a brief moment, I remember what it was like to be aware of one of the best days of my life, and how it feels to reminisce on the moments that felt like they could never be beat.

Today, so many of us deal with anxiety and depression, myself included. Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said, “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Which makes me think, how many best days of my life have I been in and not acknowledged? Did I miss it because I was thinking about yesterday or tomorrow?

The truth is, that day at Elitches with Nick was one of the best days of my life. I’m inspired by young me, and vow to continue to recognize a day that just feels so absolutely magical.

If I saw Nick again, I’d thank him for the countless years of laughter and for giving me some of the best days of my life.

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12 Ways to Ease the Pain of Grief

Point Reyes day trip

It’s been a little over a year since my mom passed away unexpectedly.

Recently, a young woman reached out to me and asked, ‘Does it get easier?’ I told her, Yes, it does get easier. Or maybe you just get stronger.

She had come across one of my blog posts as she grieved the unexpected loss of her mom. She was at her lowest point in grief, desperate for someone to say that the hardest days would soon be behind her. I know that point all too well.

Below are 12 things that actually helped as I coped with the loss of my mom.

Find a connection in nature

Ideally, it will be something that you come across only ever so often. I see my mother in the changing colors of the leaves in fall.

Keep a palm sized item of theirs

I have my mom’s Estée Lauder Youth Dew Bath Oil that she used once in a blue moon. Scent is a strong trigger of memory. I still hold the little bath oil bottle during my toughest breakdowns and it brings me so much comfort.

Watch for traits of your loved one in others

It could be personality traits or physical traits. Weird example — my mom had a smallpox vaccine scar on her upper left arm (not uncommon for her age). I saw another woman with that scar and just about lost it. It was such a small detail on my mom’s arm. I’m shocked I remember it so vividly!

Separate yourself from tangible memories

I know, I said to keep a palm sized item…but I challenge you to keep it to just one item. I found it cathartic to go through my mother’s closet and donate her old clothes. Inanimate objects don’t keep the person’s memory alive. Those items provide a false sense of security, in my opinion.

Scan all your photos

So you can access them online at any time. It’s been over a year and I still can’t click through my mom’s Flickr album without crying.

Share the funny stories

Grief doesn’t have to be so serious. Just the other day, I told a complete stranger that my mom kept her nearly-broken toaster for over 30 years because it was a wedding present, and she was afraid that throwing away the toaster would jinx her marriage. The funny thing is that my mother wasn’t superstitious, just frugal.

Talk to your loved one

Out loud. I talk to my mom while I’m in the car, almost as if I’m praying to her. Then I guess what she would say back if she were in the car with me. Somehow she still always gives the best advice.

See the signs

Of course I would see a hummingbird for the first time in years as I write this blog post. I promise, when you look out for signs of your loved one, you start seeing them everywhere.

Do something in honor of them

It could be as simple as having a glass of Merlot in their memory. As you sip the glass, imagine them right there next to you.

Find formal and informal grief groups

Joining a church-led grief group was one of the first things that actually helped me move forward in grief. I wasn’t attending church regularly at the time, and being amongst Christians that reminded me of my mom was incomparable. Talking to others who lost a loved one helped tremendously, too. We’re the club that no one wants to be in, but everyone will eventually join — the club of people who have lost someone very close to them.

Listen to their favorite songs

My mom went through a Macy Gray and Norah Jones phase. She loved to blast their albums on Saturday mornings while cleaning the house. She also got a kick out of watching me roll my eyes as she danced and sang into the broom handle. Music is almost as powerful as scents when it comes to memory triggers.

Live life the way they would have wanted you to live

On the one year anniversary of my mom’s passing, my husband and I went to church for the first time in a long time. We now attend every Sunday and are exploring our faith together, just as my mom always encouraged us to do.

 

The ultimate goal for anyone grieving is to turn their misfortune into something that helps others. That’s a major stage of grief as you adjust to your loss.

After losing my mom, I didn’t plan on writing about my grief. I wrote a couple of blog posts about her because I had this otherworldly writers block that prevented me from writing anything else until I wrote about my mom.

But those posts seemed to help others, so much so that they continue to be my most searched blog posts to date. Something’s telling me I need to continue to share my story.

About once a week, I receive a heartbreaking private message from someone grieving. If you are one of those people, please do not hesitate to contact me. I’m no expert, but we can be informal grief group buddies.

Other posts that may be helpful

5 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Mom

The Story Behind The Phone Call That Changed My Life

What To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Loved One

It’s Been Six Months Since My Mom Passed Away

A Gloomy Day at Point Reyes

Thanks for reading,

Emma

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Grape Harvesting and Stomping in Sonoma County

I am continually blown away by the activities available in Sonoma County. It feels like every weekend we have something new and fun to try. 

This past weekend, we checked off one of our California bucket list items and joined Old World Winery in their grape harvesting and stomping. If you’re planning a trip to northern California in September, you’re just in time, many wineries are picking and stomping this month. You should have no trouble finding a fun event like this to participate in!

Grape harvesting

If you’re going to do the fun part (stomping) you’ve got to participate in the hard part (harvesting). We got up at 5:15 a.m. on a Saturday to meet a couple dozen strangers at Old World Winery. Darek Trowbridge, the owner, rallied everyone together for a run-down of the day’s events and then we drove over to the vineyard to begin our day.

The sun was rising as we drove to the vineyard, and by the time we got there the lighting was spectacular.

Choose your weapon

Upon arrival, you had a choice to make: Are you going to cut the grape vines with a serrated knife, or use the pruner?

Darek, the owner, explained that seasoned grape harvesters use the knife, but that the knife is a little tricky to work with and even the most experienced harvesters still cut themselves on occasion. I chose the pruner, Michael used the knife.

Sonoma County Grape Picking and Stomping

Harvesting Grapes Sonoma County

Fall Wine Season Sonoma

Experience Wineries Sonoma County

Three hours of harvesting

We arrived at the vineyard around 7:00 a.m. and were driving back to start the stomping by 10:00 a.m. This will vary, however, based on the winery and the week you participate in harvesting.

Following the harvesting, we were at the vineyard for about two and half more hours, stomping and eating lunch.

Behind the scenes of a winery

Stomping

We enjoyed grape harvesting far more than we expected we would. But the real highlight of the day was the stomping! I was the second person of our large group to hop in, and it was cold.

We learned a few good tips for grape stomping, should we ever come across this opportunity again:

  1. Start in the bottom corner, and smash one layer of grapes at a time. Otherwise the entire batch just settles on top and you pack it into sections, like a triple layer cake.
  2. Hold onto the corner of the tub at all times. It’s slippery in the middle!
  3. Step out occasionally to thaw your feet. It’s about 45 degrees in the bucket.

Clothing tips

If you’re harvesting, wear a waterproof jacket. Everyone left the vineyard wet from the waist up. You’ll also want to wear tennis shoes when walking through the vineyards.

When stomping, you need to wear shorts that are at your knees or higher. I recommend bringing a pair of sandals to change in to. 

How much stomping?

After 30 minutes we were all out of grapes and produced something that resembled a sangria.

One attendee remarked that the stomping is really just for the enjoyment of the guests and that no matter what, the vineyard has to put it through the usual production methods. Old World Winery is unique. They use every bit of what we stomped, after cleaning our foot germs out of it, of course.

Old World Winery likes to involve the community in their harvesting and stomping because they say the good vibes from the residents make the wine taste better. 

 

Grape stomping experience

The picnic

After the stomping, Darek invited the group over to the patio to enjoy some good food, good conversation and amazing wine. Next year, what we stomped will be poured into the glasses of those that helped with the 2019 stompings.

 

I have been raving about this experience to all of my friends. If you’re in northern California is September, grape harvesting and stomping is an absolute must. You can’t beat a day like this. Then again, this seems to be a very typical weekend activity in Sonoma County.

Sign up for the Old World Winery Wine Club to be invited to member events like this one, and be sure to check out their Facebook page.

Thanks for reading,

Emma

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California Redwoods Near San Francisco

Redwoods in Napa

When we moved to California a couple of months ago, I figured that the famous redwood trees could only be found near the northern border of the state. Imagine my excitement when I discovered Armstrong Redwoods State Natural Reserve just 30 minutes west of our place in Santa Rosa.

To top it off, parking was FREE, the weather was ideal and the hike was simple. Dare I say it was a Hike For People Who Get Bored Easily.

Armstrong Redwoods Northern California

The trees

Parson Jones tree Northern CaliforniaYeah, this is a great location to see redwoods, but are they as spectacular as they are up north?

They’re close.

The tallest tree that you will see at Armstrong Redwoods SNR is The Parson Jones tree at 310 feet in height. It’s just a 0.1 mile walk from the park entrance. The tallest tree in California is the Hyperion in Redwood National Park measuring at 379.1 feet.

The oldest tree at Armstrong Redwoods SNR is the Colonel Armstrong Tree, 1,400 years old. This doesn’t come close to the oldest tree in California, estimated at 3,500 years old, and located in Giant Sequoia National Monument. But hey, what difference does a couple thousand years make, really?

Redwoods in California

Armstrong Redwood trees

The hikes

We were looking for a short hike before an afternoon on the coast, and this fit our itinerary perfectly. If you scroll about half way down this page, you’ll see the full list of hikes. We went on the Pioneer Nature Trail hike (1.7 miles) and it was easy. They have several easy to moderate hikes and then a couple strenuous hikes, up to 9 miles with a 1500’ climb in elevation.

For being such a stunning park, it was incredibly quiet. We were often the only ones in sight and only saw a couple dozen people the entire time. Maybe it was just a unique Sunday.

Armstrong Redwood State Park

Redwood Forest Northern California

Getting there

The drive was simple and on level, paved roads the entire way. If you’re coming from San Francisco, you’ll head straight north on US-101 and take River Rd to Armstrong Woods Rd.

We were able to easily grab free parking outside of the main entrance (as described on their website here). We stopped at the restrooms before heading in and spotted our trail with ease. It feels a little wrong visiting such a beautiful park without paying, donations are accepted at the Visitor Center.

Redwood Forest near Napa Valley

If your time in California is limited and you can’t make it from the Redwood Forest, to the gulf stream waters (sorry – I had to), Armstrong Redwoods SNR is an excellent alternative. You’ll see plenty of humongous trees and many, “WOW” moments. Oh, and if you have kids, they’ll really love this place. There’s tons of fallen over trees that are perfect for climbing.

Thanks for reading,

Emma