Tag: grieving the loss of a loved one

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12 Ways to Ease the Pain of Grief

Point Reyes day trip

It’s been a little over a year since my mom passed away unexpectedly.

Recently, a young woman reached out to me and asked, ‘Does it get easier?’ I told her, Yes, it does get easier. Or maybe you just get stronger.

She had come across one of my blog posts as she grieved the unexpected loss of her mom. She was at her lowest point in grief, desperate for someone to say that the hardest days would soon be behind her. I know that point all too well.

Below are 12 things that actually helped as I coped with the loss of my mom.

Find a connection in nature

Ideally, it will be something that you come across only ever so often. I see my mother in the changing colors of the leaves in fall.

Keep a palm sized item of theirs

I have my mom’s Estée Lauder Youth Dew Bath Oil that she used once in a blue moon. Scent is a strong trigger of memory. I still hold the little bath oil bottle during my toughest breakdowns and it brings me so much comfort.

Watch for traits of your loved one in others

It could be personality traits or physical traits. Weird example — my mom had a smallpox vaccine scar on her upper left arm (not uncommon for her age). I saw another woman with that scar and just about lost it. It was such a small detail on my mom’s arm. I’m shocked I remember it so vividly!

Separate yourself from tangible memories

I know, I said to keep a palm sized item…but I challenge you to keep it to just one item. I found it cathartic to go through my mother’s closet and donate her old clothes. Inanimate objects don’t keep the person’s memory alive. Those items provide a false sense of security, in my opinion.

Scan all your photos

So you can access them online at any time. It’s been over a year and I still can’t click through my mom’s Flickr album without crying.

Share the funny stories

Grief doesn’t have to be so serious. Just the other day, I told a complete stranger that my mom kept her nearly-broken toaster for over 30 years because it was a wedding present, and she was afraid that throwing away the toaster would jinx her marriage. The funny thing is that my mother wasn’t superstitious, just frugal.

Talk to your loved one

Out loud. I talk to my mom while I’m in the car, almost as if I’m praying to her. Then I guess what she would say back if she were in the car with me. Somehow she still always gives the best advice.

See the signs

Of course I would see a hummingbird for the first time in years as I write this blog post. I promise, when you look out for signs of your loved one, you start seeing them everywhere.

Do something in honor of them

It could be as simple as having a glass of Merlot in their memory. As you sip the glass, imagine them right there next to you.

Find formal and informal grief groups

Joining a church-led grief group was one of the first things that actually helped me move forward in grief. I wasn’t attending church regularly at the time, and being amongst Christians that reminded me of my mom was incomparable. Talking to others who lost a loved one helped tremendously, too. We’re the club that no one wants to be in, but everyone will eventually join — the club of people who have lost someone very close to them.

Listen to their favorite songs

My mom went through a Macy Gray and Norah Jones phase. She loved to blast their albums on Saturday mornings while cleaning the house. She also got a kick out of watching me roll my eyes as she danced and sang into the broom handle. Music is almost as powerful as scents when it comes to memory triggers.

Live life the way they would have wanted you to live

On the one year anniversary of my mom’s passing, my husband and I went to church for the first time in a long time. We now attend every Sunday and are exploring our faith together, just as my mom always encouraged us to do.

 

The ultimate goal for anyone grieving is to turn their misfortune into something that helps others. That’s a major stage of grief as you adjust to your loss.

After losing my mom, I didn’t plan on writing about my grief. I wrote a couple of blog posts about her because I had this otherworldly writers block that prevented me from writing anything else until I wrote about my mom.

But those posts seemed to help others, so much so that they continue to be my most searched blog posts to date. Something’s telling me I need to continue to share my story.

About once a week, I receive a heartbreaking private message from someone grieving. If you are one of those people, please do not hesitate to contact me. I’m no expert, but we can be informal grief group buddies.

Other posts that may be helpful

5 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Mom

The Story Behind The Phone Call That Changed My Life

What To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Loved One

It’s Been Six Months Since My Mom Passed Away

A Gloomy Day at Point Reyes

Thanks for reading,

Emma

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It’s Been Six Months Since My Mom Passed Away

I’m not going to sugar-coat this. The first six months have been difficult.

I lost my 61-year-old mother unexpectedly when I was 25-years-old. My mom had no prior illnesses. She was fine one moment, and gone the next. I had no reason to expect that she would pass away in her home that evening. If I had, I would have stayed with her instead of driving back to my home in Denver. That’s a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.

Grief is unique for each person. They say that people who have lost a loved one grieve at different paces. This was true for my immediate family. But here’s something I learned: there’s no correct way to grieve as long as you don’t get stuck in one stage for months on end. 

If you’re reading this because you lost someone important to you and you want to know what the first 6 months feels like, you’re in the right place. Please keep in mind that this is just what it looked like for me. I’m no expert, I just want you to know that someone else out there gets it. You’re not alone.

Stages Of Grief

The stages of grief are justifications for your feelings. They tell you that what you are experiencing is normal. For those who aren’t familiar with the 5 stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, they are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have been through all stages, in random order, over and over again. I’ve felt numb from denial, thinking there’s no way this is real, it must be a dream. I’ve felt angry with myself, with my mom’s doctor, with God. I’ve gone through the “if onlys” of bargaining,  thinking, ‘I should have saved her. I should have been there. If only I stayed at her house one more hour.’ Depression comes and goes and just when I think I’ve hit some form of acceptance, I’m thrown back to anger. 

Writing in a journal helped me through the first 6 months. I would write what stage I was in before letting it all out on paper. My journal is filled with questions like, ‘Why her? Why now? How did this happen? Why weren’t there warning signs?’ During my time on earth I will never have the answers to all of my questions. But guess what? That’s okay. I am learning how to deal with this and how to be comfortable with the unknowns. God has a plan. I am learning to trust His plan.

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Talking About My Mom

Our society doesn’t talk about grief (especially those in the 20-30 age bracket). Occasionally I’ll open up and reminisce about my mom to a friend. At a recent work event I shared how my mom used to forget a word or movie title mid-sentence, we could always read each other’s minds so she would turn to me and ask, “Emma, what’s that movie with the red-headed twins who switch places?”

“The Day After Tomorrow?”

She’d laugh hysterically, wiping tears from her eyes, “NO! You know what I mean! The one with the Lohan girl!”

“Freaky Friday?”

“EMMA!”

My colleagues laughed at my story, giving me this pained look — a smile with sympathetic eyes. That look drives me crazy now, but their hearts are in the right place. I never mind talking about my mom. If I could, I’d tell someone something I love about her every. single. day.

When Will I Be Happy Again?

The first moment I truly felt awake was my husband’s birthday party early December, four months after my mom passed away. I was surrounded by friends, singing Karaoke at a dive bar, and I thought to myself, ‘Wow, I’m not faking happiness, I’m actually having fun.’ Before that night, I had to remind myself to be in the moment and not think, ‘I miss my mom, I miss my mom,’ every second. 

Before December, I was terrified I’d never feel 100% again. I thought I’d always have this sharp pain in my chest and this lump in my throat. I was thrilled to discover that I would once again have great days that reminded me that life is worth living.

Loss Of Interest

To be very honest, I lost almost all interest in my career. I questioned if I should quit and take time for myself. I also thought about quitting my blog. ‘Nothing else matters,’ I thought, ‘Why aren’t we outside living? Why are we stuck inside creating pointless content?’ Harsh, but eye opening.

I also lost interest in spending time with my friends. All I wanted was to be with my family. When I was with friends or colleagues, I was really only 50% there. I couldn’t wait to get home, change into sweats, and stare at the wall.

Slowly, my interests returned. I still have little to no patience for workplace drama and feel angry when my work conflicts with time I should be spending with my family. At 6 months, my interest is back but my perception has been altered.

Grief Groups Are Uncomfortable, And Helpful

I’ve gone through several counseling sessions since my mother passed and haven’t found them to be extraordinarily helpful, to be honest. Everyone handles counseling differently, and I still would recommend at least one session after a loved one passes away.

I also attended GriefShare at a local church for several weeks after my mom’s passing. (GriefShare is a religious workshop that helps people work through their stages of grief through scripture). The two hour sessions took place every Wednesday and started with a 45 minute GriefShare video and followed with a group discussion. I will never forget my first night at GriefShare. I was the youngest by two decades, easily. I was the only one grieving a parent, the others were grieving a spouse. I shared my story and balled my eyes out in front of complete strangers. I finished my story with, “My goal is to eventually talk about my mom without breaking down like this.” I never reached that goal. I cried every time I attended GriefShare.

The group helped me talk about my grief process and it felt good to be around people who were also grieving. It was one of the best things I did for myself immediately following my mom’s death.

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Grief Comes In Waves

About every other month I have a massive breakdown and scream, ‘Why!?’ I sit outside and look at the stars with tears running down my cheeks. These breakdowns are a small part of my grief, but I am left exhausted every time.

Grief comes and goes. Most days are fine, most days are good at this point, actually! But the big breakdowns are still there and I find myself repeating the same questions I asked myself the day my mom passed.

My breakdowns come with warning. A few days before I find myself looking at photos of my mom and wishing I could give her a call. I start snapping at people more often and am easily upset. I warn my husband, “I think a breakdown is coming…” He understands and he listens.

Vivid Dreams

I have yet to find another person who has vivid, realistic dreams about their deceased loved one.

Since my mom’s passing I’ve had four dreams about her. In my dreams, we are hanging out, talking, laughing, and we always acknowledge the fact that she has passed away. I tell her I miss her, she rolls her eyes and says, “Ugh. Don’t.” I ask her why she passed away so young and she says, “Stop focusing on what you can’t control. Just enjoy your time with me here, right now.”

The dreams are beautiful. My mom looks so happy! She’s talking to me just as she would if she was on earth. I mentioned my dreams to my GriefShare group and many were brought to tears (not unusual in a group of sad adults). Several believe that my mom is talking to me from heaven. I’ve always had vivid dreams, my mom knew this, maybe my mom visits me because she knows it brings me comfort.

 

I’m not an expert on grief and grieving. I’m 6-months in and still feel like I’m drowning. However, over the past few months I have heard countless stories from people who have lost someone. Their stories helped me. My hope is that hearing my story and my journey through grief will help one person realize that they too can get through this, even though it sucks. As us grievers say, “Welcome to the club that nobody wanted to join.”

I’m here for you. If you want to talk privately, message me here.

Here are a couple of other posts that may be helpful:

5 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Mom

The Story Behind The Phone Call That Changed My Life

What To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Loved One

A Gloomy Day at Point Reyes

12 Ways to Ease the Pain of Grief

Thanks for reading,

Emma

Loss of a loved one

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What To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Loved One

Saying something is better than saying nothing.

When someone you care about loses their friend or family member, it can be difficult to know what to say. You want to be supportive, but talking about death is uncomfortable. You don’t want to upset them, or worse, offend them.

After the loss of my grandmother and mother August, 2017, I noticed that people felt awkward around me. Very few have ever brought up my losses in person. My best guess is that they didn’t want to upset me if I seemed to be in a good mood. The truth is, I am always thinking about my recent losses. I often describe it as an invisible open wound. Bringing it up feels a lot like offering me a Band-Aid. While it won’t stop the bleeding, it may help contain it.

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If you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this: someone who is grieving just needs to hear that you care. Say something. Never say nothing.

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For me, the greatest thing to hear was memories of my mom. It was so comforting to hear how she helped others. For those that didn’t know my mom well, it was nice to hear that they were thinking of me and praying for me.

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Don’t worry if you’ve made one of the comments above to someone who is grieving. It can be very hard to know what to say and your friend knows that your heart is in the right place, even if your words weren’t perfect.

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Those first few weeks were the hardest. I struggled when people told me about their prior loses and compared them to mine. ‘Your loss is nothing like mine,’ I selfishly thought, ‘I lost my grandma and mom within 11 days of each other. There’s no way you can relate.’ Now, I find comfort in hearing stories from those that have lost someone. It’s like we’re all in a very sad club.

For the record, “How are you holding up?” is a fine question in a deeper conversation, but starting with, “How’s it going?” or similar is an impossible question for me to answer in regards to my recent losses. My knee-jerk reaction is, “Umm…not well?” Instead, try a more direct question like, “How is your family handling this recent tragedy?”

It’s difficult to know how to offer your condolences. Many of my friends offered their condolences over social media, a few sent text messages, a handful sent sympathy cards, a couple called or said something in person, some said nothing.

Below are some ways to let the grieving person know that you care, ranked from the best, most helpful way, to what you should do at the very least. I appreciated every single note of condolences I received. I saved everything that was sent to me regarding the loss of my mom and I go back and read them when I’m feeling alone. Once again, just say something! Even if it’s just a note on Facebook that says, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

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After a few months things may appear to be back to normal, but your friend is still grieving and will be for years to come. They need to know that you still care, and by checking in you are showing that their loss is still on your mind, too. Here are a few simple ways to check in.

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It is also worth noting that everyone grieves differently. When in doubt, ask, “Do you want to talk about it?” Your friend should be honest with you. Remember, they’re dealing with a wide range of emotions and may feel like talking about it one day and the next day they may not.

Occasionally, someone will take me off guard and offer their condolences in front of a group of people, in those moments I am doing my best not to cry and wish they would have pulled me aside for a private conversation. When I am put on the spot to talk about my grief I am more likely to give surface level answers to maintain my composure, but when I’m talking to someone one on one I am more likely to open up.

Almost everyone will experience the loss of a loved one at some point in their life. Understanding how to be supportive in these situations is an invaluable skill to have.

Thanks for reading,

Emma

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