I’m not going to sugar-coat this. The first six months have been difficult.
I lost my 61-year-old mother unexpectedly when I was 25-years-old. My mom had no prior illnesses. She was fine one moment, and gone the next. I had no reason to expect that she would pass away in her home that evening. If I had, I would have stayed with her instead of driving back to my home in Denver. That’s a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.
Grief is unique for each person. They say that people who have lost a loved one grieve at different paces. This was true for my immediate family. But here’s something I learned: there’s no correct way to grieve as long as you don’t get stuck in one stage for months on end.
If you’re reading this because you lost someone important to you and you want to know what the first 6 months feels like, you’re in the right place. Please keep in mind that this is just what it looked like for me. I’m no expert, I just want you to know that someone else out there gets it. You’re not alone.
Stages Of Grief
The stages of grief are justifications for your feelings. They tell you that what you are experiencing is normal. For those who aren’t familiar with the 5 stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, they are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have been through all stages, in random order, over and over again. I’ve felt numb from denial, thinking there’s no way this is real, it must be a dream. I’ve felt angry with myself, with my mom’s doctor, with God. I’ve gone through the “if onlys” of bargaining, thinking, ‘I should have saved her. I should have been there. If only I stayed at her house one more hour.’ Depression comes and goes and just when I think I’ve hit some form of acceptance, I’m thrown back to anger.
Writing in a journal helped me through the first 6 months. I would write what stage I was in before letting it all out on paper. My journal is filled with questions like, ‘Why her? Why now? How did this happen? Why weren’t there warning signs?’ During my time on earth I will never have the answers to all of my questions. But guess what? That’s okay. I am learning how to deal with this and how to be comfortable with the unknowns. God has a plan. I am learning to trust His plan.
Talking About My Mom
Our society doesn’t talk about grief (especially those in the 20-30 age bracket). Occasionally I’ll open up and reminisce about my mom to a friend. At a recent work event I shared how my mom used to forget a word or movie title mid-sentence, we could always read each other’s minds so she would turn to me and ask, “Emma, what’s that movie with the red-headed twins who switch places?”
“The Day After Tomorrow?”
She’d laugh hysterically, wiping tears from her eyes, “NO! You know what I mean! The one with the Lohan girl!”
“Freaky Friday?”
“EMMA!”
My colleagues laughed at my story, giving me this pained look — a smile with sympathetic eyes. That look drives me crazy now, but their hearts are in the right place. I never mind talking about my mom. If I could, I’d tell someone something I love about her every. single. day.
When Will I Be Happy Again?
The first moment I truly felt awake was my husband’s birthday party early December, four months after my mom passed away. I was surrounded by friends, singing Karaoke at a dive bar, and I thought to myself, ‘Wow, I’m not faking happiness, I’m actually having fun.’ Before that night, I had to remind myself to be in the moment and not think, ‘I miss my mom, I miss my mom,’ every second.
Before December, I was terrified I’d never feel 100% again. I thought I’d always have this sharp pain in my chest and this lump in my throat. I was thrilled to discover that I would once again have great days that reminded me that life is worth living.
Loss Of Interest
To be very honest, I lost almost all interest in my career. I questioned if I should quit and take time for myself. I also thought about quitting my blog. ‘Nothing else matters,’ I thought, ‘Why aren’t we outside living? Why are we stuck inside creating pointless content?’ Harsh, but eye opening.
I also lost interest in spending time with my friends. All I wanted was to be with my family. When I was with friends or colleagues, I was really only 50% there. I couldn’t wait to get home, change into sweats, and stare at the wall.
Slowly, my interests returned. I still have little to no patience for workplace drama and feel angry when my work conflicts with time I should be spending with my family. At 6 months, my interest is back but my perception has been altered.
Grief Groups Are Uncomfortable, And Helpful
I’ve gone through several counseling sessions since my mother passed and haven’t found them to be extraordinarily helpful, to be honest. Everyone handles counseling differently, and I still would recommend at least one session after a loved one passes away.
I also attended GriefShare at a local church for several weeks after my mom’s passing. (GriefShare is a religious workshop that helps people work through their stages of grief through scripture). The two hour sessions took place every Wednesday and started with a 45 minute GriefShare video and followed with a group discussion. I will never forget my first night at GriefShare. I was the youngest by two decades, easily. I was the only one grieving a parent, the others were grieving a spouse. I shared my story and balled my eyes out in front of complete strangers. I finished my story with, “My goal is to eventually talk about my mom without breaking down like this.” I never reached that goal. I cried every time I attended GriefShare.
The group helped me talk about my grief process and it felt good to be around people who were also grieving. It was one of the best things I did for myself immediately following my mom’s death.
Grief Comes In Waves
About every other month I have a massive breakdown and scream, ‘Why!?’ I sit outside and look at the stars with tears running down my cheeks. These breakdowns are a small part of my grief, but I am left exhausted every time.
Grief comes and goes. Most days are fine, most days are good at this point, actually! But the big breakdowns are still there and I find myself repeating the same questions I asked myself the day my mom passed.
My breakdowns come with warning. A few days before I find myself looking at photos of my mom and wishing I could give her a call. I start snapping at people more often and am easily upset. I warn my husband, “I think a breakdown is coming…” He understands and he listens.
Vivid Dreams
I have yet to find another person who has vivid, realistic dreams about their deceased loved one.
Since my mom’s passing I’ve had four dreams about her. In my dreams, we are hanging out, talking, laughing, and we always acknowledge the fact that she has passed away. I tell her I miss her, she rolls her eyes and says, “Ugh. Don’t.” I ask her why she passed away so young and she says, “Stop focusing on what you can’t control. Just enjoy your time with me here, right now.”
The dreams are beautiful. My mom looks so happy! She’s talking to me just as she would if she was on earth. I mentioned my dreams to my GriefShare group and many were brought to tears (not unusual in a group of sad adults). Several believe that my mom is talking to me from heaven. I’ve always had vivid dreams, my mom knew this, maybe my mom visits me because she knows it brings me comfort.
I’m not an expert on grief and grieving. I’m 6-months in and still feel like I’m drowning. However, over the past few months I have heard countless stories from people who have lost someone. Their stories helped me. My hope is that hearing my story and my journey through grief will help one person realize that they too can get through this, even though it sucks. As us grievers say, “Welcome to the club that nobody wanted to join.”
I’m here for you. If you want to talk privately, message me here.
Here are a couple of other posts that may be helpful:
5 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Mom
The Story Behind The Phone Call That Changed My Life
What To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Loved One
12 Ways to Ease the Pain of Grief
Thanks for reading,
Emma
Thanks for sharing this. My mum passed away in November and I am still getting my head around my sister passing almost 3 years ago. Although my mums death was expected we all grieve in different ways at different times. People say time is a healer which I believe to an extent. My wife still struggles with her mum passing some 18 years ago. That must not have been easy to write.
Ian, thank you for sharing your story! I agree, time is a healer. Though things are still not easy they are easier than they were 6 months ago. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and sister, and for your wife’s loss as well.
Thank you
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experiences so openly. I cannot imagine how difficult it is. There will be many more moments like your husband’s birthday party, but it will take time. Be sure to take care of yourself. Much love – speak766
Thank you. It is difficult to write about the hard stuff but it’s also a great way to connect with others who feel similarly, and that’s something I’m passionate about. I hope to have many more happy moments to come. Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for sharing this. My mom & sis passed 1 yr apart. They both died of Alz. I have dreams about being with them, doing things, laughing etc. What I hate is that many times I end up crying in the dream & find myself trying to protect them. Overall the dreams are comforting just to see them💕Trish M
I am so sorry for your loss! My grandmother and mother passed away 11 days apart from each other. It was terrible losing two people so close together, like I wanted to keep tabs on everyone close to me so I couldn’t lose someone else. I am sure you felt the same.
Like you, I am comforted by my dreams but they’re also very difficult because I want to ask my mom a million questions. I wake up missing her so much more than I do on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing Emma. Your vulnerability & courage will touch people struggling with something similar. You are such a gift, a light and a love.
Thank you, Sarah! I hope to help others who are also struggling with grief. That’s the last stage of the grieving process, giving back to the community to honor your loved one. I’m not quite there, because I still get teary-eyed when someone talks about a loss and I balled my eyes out watching Little Foot lose his mom in Land Before Time the other night…..ah well….I’ll grow stronger.
Thanks for being so real and open Emma! You are growing so much personally through pain (not that that makes it easier). Sending love!
Thank you, Janelle! Sometimes I feel like it’s been years with how much my sisters, Dad and I have learned and changed.
I lost my 67 yr old mom 3 months ago. Suddenly and unexpectedly. I dream of her almost every night. Most times they are vivid. They are heartbreaking most the time. The worst was last week, in my dream we were searching for each other but couldn’t find one another. I woke up crying. So, you are not alone with the dreams. Thank you for your blog, it is difficult in our age group to find someone to talk to about grief. I hope every day gets a little easier for you.
I am 13 and my mom passed in November (6months) and the first 5 months I felt sad but did not completely react as how everyone around me was expecting me to but now every night I have a new dream about her sometimes good and happy others horrible and sad and it’s really been getting to me and I’m just having a really tough time at this point I’ve been doing so bad that I went from all As to Ds and Fs at school and im just doing horrible and I know it will get better over time it just really sucks right now.)=
Thank you Emma , I can totally relate to your grief as I lost my mom 6 months ago and my dad a year ago, both were unexpected deaths as my parents weren’t suffering from any ailment …. I’m 53 and sometimes feel embarrassed that I’m grieving for my 73 year old mom but I can’t help it . One thing that I’m feeling is that my husband and kids are not showing any sympathy ( maybe they think to treat me normal will make me miss my parents less)but I’m feeling like a victim , wonder if this is right ?
Huma, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and father. Never feel embarrassed about your grief, everything you’re feeling is valid, and in grief our feelings change frequently.
I’m not an expert, so your guess is as good as mine when it comes to your family’s response. Do you feel comfortable bringing it up with them? Maybe one on one? My extended family hasn’t reached out much since my mom passed away and I assume it’s because the topic is uncomfortable. Sometimes I’ll share a good memory of my mom with a loved one, and then end with, “I miss her.” This is a great way to open the door to a discussion about loss. My heart goes out to you during this time, Huma. ❤️
Hi Huma,
I think our stories are a little similar..Yesterday was 6 months since my mom passed. She was 85. I am 63 and have 3 adult sons out of state. A month after my moms passing they thought it was strange i was crying about it. So it’s hard to tell them I am still having a hard time after so long. I rarely get out of bed now. I dread when i have to leave the house and don’t want to talk on the phone.
I was my moms care giver and she was my best friend. I.stayed with her the last few weeks of her life and was alone with her when she passed.
I was rocked by the lack of compassion from family and friends.
I thought I shoud be getting over this by now also but just learned tonight about the 6 month stage. It brings some comfort in knowing i am not forever broken , it will get better.
There’s something so special about moms and you only get one.
Thanks Emma for your kind response , you are right maybe I dint like to bring up my parents with anyone i feel its going to hurt me more so I am trying to keep myself super busy so much that I am ignoring my meals , I’m loosing weight , I don’t like to talk to or visit friends( although I have many friends) I feel comfortable with total strangers rather than people who know me 😞
Are you in a grief group? A group may be the perfect fit for you. I found mine by searching “grief group [your city name]” on Google.
Thanks for getting this down for others to read. My mom has been gone six months this week. So much of what you said I can relate too! I don’t say this to be mean , but it’s nice to know others are going through the same grief. Helps you to feel not so alone, and you can relate with those feelings being shared. Thanks for your transparency in sharing.
Dawn, that’s not mean at all! I totally understand being able to relate to others who are grieving and finding comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. My thoughts are with you as you pass this difficult milestone of your mother’s passing.
I lost my Mom six months ago to colon cancer, after a 15 month battle. Reading your blog, I felt as if all the words could have been mine. I haven’t had vivid dreams, but my sister has, so I know I will one day. Thank you for writing and sharing!! One day at a time.
My Mom died 3 months ago and my Nana two years ago. All the losses merge together and make life seem very odd. I feel like a strange version of myself. Very fragile and irritable. Hard to believe the finality of death. Thank you all for the comments it helps to hear others stories.
It’s been 6 months exactly today that I had to say goodbye to my mom, she was only 49 years old, she suffered from a stroke. She had the stroke a week before my 23rd birthday, she was in a coma the entire time until we said our final goodbyes two weeks later. It was always just my mom and I, and I miss her so much. Thank you much for sharing your story it helps to hear others stories.
Thank you for this. My mum passed away six months today and I needed to hear that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. Some days I’m okay but others I have complete breakdowns just wondering why. Mum wasn’t ill and had no medical conditions of concern and it was completely unexpected and so sudden. We didn’t get to say goodbye either. I know we will never completely be the same again but I hope you are continuing to heal, just as I hope I will
Hi. My mum died at 70 of covid in January. She was my mum and friend! I found out I was pregnant after she was intubated and only got to see her just before she died. I’m also a nurse and always expected to look after my mum in her dying days but was denied. I’ve held so many dying people’s hands and didn’t get to hold my mum’s! I’m really struggling to process everything. I’m slowly withdrawing from life as can’t abide people and their ‘problems’ but have to for sake of my kids. I’ve tried therapy but it isn’t for me. I do have good days but most days I cover my struggles because I’m bored of my company so everyone else must be. Probably boring you now 🙂
Hi Vanessa, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your mom knew how much you loved her and how much you wished she lived longer. It is so hard to think of the years that could’ve been. I challenge you to focus on the beautiful years you did get with her. Hold onto those memories and write them down. I imagine as someone who deals with death often you already know this to be true, the pain of losing someone is so hard, but that pain is a reminder of how much that person was loved. Your mom lived and loved and was loved in return. What more could we ask for in life? I’m no expert, but I know how it feels to lose my mom…once again I am so sorry, I wish you the best as you heal.
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